Take a Deep Breath

Now close your eyes, take another deep breath, and then release it and slowly open your eyes. Go into the kitchen and make yourself a nice steaming mug of herbal tea. Hot tea can be very refreshing this time of year. Go ahead. We'll wait.

Back yet? Good. Now, please pay attention, because this is important.

Campaign surrogates are paid to take the low road. That's their job. In practice, this means they say inflammatory things about other candidates. Many times, what they say is dumb, ridiculous, and offensive.

There is a tendency around here to act like these dumb statements, when made as an attack against a candidate that one happens—coincidentally, I'm sure—to support, are ABSOLUTELY THE WORST THING ANYONE HAS EVER SAID IN THE HISTORY OF THE UNIVERSE EVER AND THE CANDIDATE WHO EMPLOYS THIS SCUMBAG IS A VILE WORTHLESS HELLBEAST WHO SHOULD JUST DIE. Perhaps you've noticed this tendency.

You're angry right now just thinking about David Axelrod/Evan Bayh/Billy Shaheen/whoever, aren't you? Take another deep breath. Stand up and walk around for a few seconds. Take a sip of tea. Are you back? Good. Now repeat after me:

We're all on the same side here.

It's true! This is an organizing site for Democrats, and we all share a broadly similar worldview and a common set of goals: more and better Democrats. I know, I know you're just so mad at Hillary Clinton/Barack Obama/John Edwards/whoever for not immediately shooting that filthy rotten stupidhead surrogate in the head after he or she made that disgusting, vile, contemptible remark. You know what, though? Hillary Clinton/Barack Obama/John Edwards/whoever is going to start looking a lot better to you in a few months once you start seeing this guy on the news every day:

By now, you should already be feeling a bit more charitable towards Hillary Clinton or Barack Obama or John Edwards or whichever candidate you're so angry at. If not, look at the photo again. We'll wait.

Yes, I know you can name ten thousands of reasons why the terrible, vile, repulsive thing that candidate's surrogate said was 800 BILLION JILLION TIMES WORSE than the not-very-bad-and-actually-kind-of-funny thing that surrogate for the other candidate—whom, coincidentally I'm sure, you happen to support—said. Please, don't bother. In three months you could be looking back on all this and finding all sorts of reasons why the whole thing wasn't nearly as bad as you thought it was at the time... just like that terrible, horrible candidate him- or herself.

Yes, I know there's no possible way your candidate could possibly lose the nomination in this universe or any others we can realistically imagine. Four years ago nobody thought John Kerry was going to be the nominee either. Imagine how stupid you'll feel if that other candidate actually wins the nomination and you have to eat all the things you've been saying here for the past three months! You'll look like such a chump! You don't want that, do you?

I know, I know: if that terrible, horrible, no good, very bad candidate really does win the nomination, you won't vote at all! Or you'll vote for some goofball third party candidate, or even the Republican! You're probably just blowing smoke, and that's okay. Go ahead and get it out of your system. But if you're serious, and you follow through on your vow... well, this man thanks you, and this man thanks you, and this man thanks you, and this man thanks you... but most of all, this man thanks you. And if that doesn't make you madder than all those terrible rotten surrogates put together, you're at the wrong site.