Great Hair is Not a Crime

There is a prejudice in politics today, a prejudice that the middle-aged men who guard our national discourse are only too happy to perpetuate. Many people believe that this prejudice may prevent Mitt Romney from becoming president... but it also affects one of our own. In fact, it affects millions of good, decent, hardworking Americans, who have silently borne the scorn and stereotyping of neighbors, co-workers, and political pundits who, in many cases, may be wholly unaware of their own bigoted attitudes. It's a prejudice that affects me directly, in a very personal way.

For you see, I, like John Edwards and Mitt Romney and millions of other Americans, have great hair. We did not ask for it, but we do not apologize for it. And we will not put up with the stereotyping and discrimination any longer.

Great hair has not always been considered a detriment to a political career. Dwight Eisenhower notwithstanding, the past half century has seen some of the greatest heads of hair to ever grace the Oval Office, from Kennedy to Reagan to Clinton. The backlash began in earnest around 2004, with John Kerry coming under fire from the likes of Matt Drudge and Mickey Kaus for his dignified salt-and-pepper coif. (In Kaus' case, at least, it's not hard to see where this was coming from, but that didn't make it right.) Sadly, as we approach the 2008 primary season this ugly prejudice is no longer voiced solely by pundits who are already parodies of themselves. The repercussions of John Edwards' $400 haircut are still being felt in the pages of organs as theoretically respectable as the Washington Post. Meanwhile, in the past week Mitt Romney has been knocked by two influential New Hampshire papers for what the Concord Monitor called his "Reaganesque" hair.

This has to stop, if we are to once again become the America we have always striven to be. It's time to explode a few myths about men and women with great hair:

• We did not choose to have great hair. Like male pattern baldness, great hair is something people are born with. (Okay, babies don't have hair, but, y'know, the genes are—look, you know what I'm trying to say here.) It's not a "choice." Why would anybody choose to put up with the opprobrium that we face every day from Big Baldness and their amen corner in the media? That's just ridiculous!
• We are not "slick." This is probably the most pernicious and destructive stereotype that affects men with great hair. People assume that just because we have great hair, we are shallow, superficial metrosexuals who cannot be trusted. This may be true of some men with great hair, but many of us are actually complete slobs—not that you'd ever know it from paying attention to the mainstream media. I have great hair and I can barely remember not to put my pants on backwards in the morning. Does CNN ever tell my story? No.
• With great hair comes great responsibility. To a lot of people, $400 seems like a lot of money for a haircut. For someone with great hair, unfortunately, $400 is just the beginning. People think that having great hair means that you don't have to pay much attention to it, but in fact a thick mane of healthy, fast-growing hair can quickly grow unwieldy and disheveled unless attended to on a regular basis by an expert. Look at what years of hair abuse and mistreatment have done to this poor man:
  
  
  
  Surely no decent person could wish this on another human being in good conscience, even one who wants to double Guantanamo. How could we ever again claim that we as a nation are better than the terrorists and enemies of freedom?
• We are just like you. Except with better hair.

Well, listen up, nation: We're tired of putting up with this crap, and we're not going to stand still for it anymore. Let the word ring forth throughout the land from this day forward: We're here. We have great hair. Get used to it.